JetHag

Helen the Hellish Flight Attendant. (Probably.)

Here’s more news on the first-class passenger who asked a grumpy flight attendant by the name of Helen for orange juice and instead got a “warning” that he was interrupting the duties of a flight-crew member. Since 9/11, these warnings are taken very seriously and sometimes need to be investigated all the way to a federal level. Hence there has been much internet bloviating over the incident. But here Heather Poole features in her blog, Galley Gossip, an actual passage from the actual O.J.-requesting passenger himself. If this blog-entry is above-board, the passenger in question is as much a terrorist as this guy:

probably not a terrorist

An American Airlines flight attendant — known by the first name of Helen — is braving a barrage of viral blog posts regarding her bitchy behavior on a recent flight. According to the alleged passengers on the alleged flight, the alleged behavior of Helen the Hellish Stew included, but was not limited to, berating a passenger for requesting orange juice, belittling that passenger’s travel savvy, yelling at that passenger, inciting a near mutiny in the first-class cabin, and handing that passenger what appeared to be a threatening note from the captain. According the friends of the harassed passenger, Helen the Hellish Stew basically accused the O.J.-requesting passenger of interfering with the directive of the flight crew, a heavy claim that can actually result in some time in the hoosegaw. Morale of the story: Stay home if you want O.J.

Above: Helen the Hellish Stew (probably) (not) (but still)

Presently Sichuan Airlines is auditioning their country’s finest 18-24 year-old maidens to staff their airplanes. To work for this airline, the would-be stewardess are requested  to have the following qualities; beauty, passivity of character, slenderness, the lack of need for sleep, the ability to sing and dance, and training in martial arts. Should be easy. All they need to do is fly to the Planet of Girlish Kung-Fu Stewardesses on Broadway — but wait, in order to get there they would need a plane staffed with flight attendants.

Uma Thurman would have all but two criteria to be a stewardess for Sichuan Airlines

Emma Peel, the world's perfect woman, would not qualify to be a stewardess for Sichuan Airlines.

cartoon by Bob McCarty

The Northwest pilots who forgot it was time to land in Minneapolis because they were too busy futzing on internet now say air-traffic-control rules weren’t followed, which contributed to the incident. They are not talking about the rules they themselves broke, which is the rule that when you are piloting a plane to Minneapolis you are supposed to be piloting the plane to Minneapolis, not on the internet ignoring the control tower.

But on CNN.com it was reported yesterday that the pilots, Capt. Timothy B. Cheney, 53, of Gig Harbor, Washington, and First Officer Richard I. Cole, 54, in separate reports to the judge handling their case, stated, in short, that if other people had not ALSO been breaking the rules, then all their own rule breaking would not have been such a big deal.

It sounds like the life of stewardess Lisa Robertson has completely gone to crap since she had sex with Ralph Fiennes in the aircraft toilet midflight.

First she got canned from her job at Quantas.

Then she got busted for her side job.

Then she got slammed with back taxes on undeclared income.

Then recently she got charged with assault and thrown in jail.

Funny, but you would think things would have gone better for her.

More news on the person, Tedd Petruna, who wrote the blogpost detailing a “terrorist dry run” on an AirTran plane leaving Las Vegas the other day: Today lots of media outlets are debunking the account as “an urban legend.” Among the debunkers is David Emery in his Urban Legends blog. As Emery says, “Would an actual Muslim terrorist yell ‘Shut up, infidel dog!’ at a flight attendant asking him to turn off electronic devices?”

. . . does not automatically equal terrorist. Rusty at the Jawa Report gives his take on the Arabs who were thrown off the AirTran flight out of Las Vegas recently, and touches on the viral blog post written by a fellow passenger who started the rumor that the group was a team of terrorists on a dry run.

Former stew recalls how she fell asleep in the overhead bin on an empty plane parked on the ground to wake up with it full and about to take off.

Lynette Transou Putnam

Oct. 22, 1924, Arlington — Nov. 21, 2009, San Antonio

Lynette was a stew in the 40′s, when, in the event of a crash, her duties were “to help everyone off safely and get a blanket and cover the airline’s logo so it’s not visible in newspaper pictures.” CLICK here to read her story.

Why is the media chastising this guy? The standard airline seat is just 17.2″ wide. SEVENTEEN POINT TWO FUCKING INCHES WIDE. Here is a list of things that are, on the average, bigger than 17.2 fucking inches.

A fucking desktop keyboard:

The width of this fucking baby stroller (I kid you the fuck not):

The length of this 1982 fucking Rolling Stone cover of the Go Gos:

And the length of a fucking pig penis:

If your ass can comfortably fit within the parameters of any of the above, you are either a.) an infant or b.) an anorexic who should shut the fuck up. Airlines should make their seats comfortable for fucking people, period. Yet none of them are, even for skinny asses. If they increased seat room to accommodate obese people (40 percent of the fucking population), how comfortable would your skinny ass be? Pretty goddam comfortable. And you’d be welcome, too. Christ.